Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
