Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
