I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
