My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
