I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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