Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
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