The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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