Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
