I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
