i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
organizing the empties. That sober.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
