how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
