I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
