my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
