im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
