Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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