yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
