If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
