i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
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