never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
