I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
