dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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