Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
