So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
