Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
