i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
