Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
