Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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