He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
