Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
