So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
