I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
