i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
