make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
