I want to stick my p in your. b.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
