My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
