Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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