my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
