I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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