My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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