It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
