I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
