your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
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It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
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Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize