I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
home. puking in laundry basket.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
