I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
MIDGETS
????
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
