a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Randomize
