I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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