wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
