he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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