I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
