Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
