You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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