I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
