I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
