See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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