I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
