Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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