I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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