Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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