plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
