im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
