Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
It's no shave November. This is our time.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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